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"I have considered the pension list of the republic a roll of honor." — Grover Cleveland

Bill Maher Quotes

Type: Comedian | Date of Birth: 1956-01-20 | Year of Death: | Nationality:

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".
Bill Maher

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
Bill Maher

Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
Bill Maher

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher

George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.
Bill Maher

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you're not married and having children, it's like your life is empty or you're a communist meanie.
Bill Maher

I mean, I think, Iraqis, I think, feel that if we drove smaller cars, maybe we wouldn't have to kill them for their oil.
Bill Maher

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
Bill Maher

It's all been satirized for your protection.
Bill Maher

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
Bill Maher

Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
Bill Maher

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."
Bill Maher

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
Bill Maher

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
Bill Maher

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
Bill Maher

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's just grab lunch."
Bill Maher

The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain.
Bill Maher

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
Bill Maher

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
Bill Maher

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher

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